PUMPKIN IN STABLE CONDITION AFTER BEING HUMPED BY BLOGGERPosted: August 30, 2011
ALLENTOWN, PA – A 17-pound pumpkin is in serious but stable condition at Lehigh Valley Hospital after being attacked and aggressively dry-humped by a confused food blogger, The Organic Onion has learned.
The incident occurred on Saturday morning at a local farmer’s market. Blogger Marissa Simpleton, who writes Oats4Lyfe.com, encountered the first pumpkins of the season at organic farmer Lou Yeager’s weekly stall and became so overcome with excitement that she pounced upon – and ultimately attempted to defile – the young gourd.
“It was a horrific sight,” said Yeager. “She seemed like a nice girl, but then she started talking about something called ‘pumpkin OIAJ’ and got so worked up that she just…well, you know.”
Yeager continued, a bit flustered: “I can only assume that OIAJ is some sort of fetish, something sadistic. The whole thing was gosh darn awkward to watch, and I felt horrible for that little fella that got beat up.”
The assault is just one example of the thousands of crimes committed against pumpkins by bloggers every fall, according to the National Crime Information Center.
“And there are many more that go unreported,” said NCIC spokesperson Marcy Venezia. “We are still unsure of why these bloggers target pumpkins with such focus and zeal. There are many other types of squash out there, but every year, it’s the pumpkins that suffer the brunt of it: lattes, oatmeal, muffins, casseroles, beer. We’re not sure where it will stop, actually.”
Adding to the disturbing nature of the crime was its premature timing, Venezia said.
“I would expect this sort of thing in October, even September, but it’s August? It really speaks to the severity of this illness, this pumpkin obsession, that infects food bloggers,” she said. “That pumpkin was too mutilated to determine an exact date of blossom, but we suspect it may have even been underage.”
If history is any indication, even processed pumpkin is not safe from the bloggers’ amorous advances. In 2010, a blogger came under scrutiny for purchasing and hoarding 652 cans of pumpkin in her basement, storing the pureed squash in the dark for over 20 months before finally using the last can in a batch of stovetop oatmeal. She photographed the oatmeal from eleven different angles and documented the extinguishment of her supply with a mournful blog post.
“We really do believe it’s some sort of disease,” said Venezia. “These individuals do not act rationally when it comes to anything involving pumpkin.”
Yeager said that he has no plans to press charges against Simpleton, explaining that the blogger’s parents had already sent him a check to cover the lost inventory, damages to his stall, and “compensation for sheer embarrassment.”
“I hope that girl gets the help she needs,” he said. “And I hope other bloggers learn from all this. ‘Else it’s gonna be a long season.”